The Greatest Gifts

Modern Society is wonderful. We have every convenience to meet our needs and achieve a fulfilling life here on earth. This is especially true in the developed world and our developed society is fortunate beyond words.

Our world is filled with standards, rituals, and traditions. Like life, traditions are born and die, modified and held steady. Both old and new, many of these traditions are gifts that we present ourselves to gain clarity on life’s meaning and beyond.

One of those traditions and rituals is the way we handle death; personally, socially, and culturally. I am not speaking of the subject in a morbid fashion to inspire fear or suffering. I am speaking of the process of life and death in a beautiful, human way. I am not speaking of life and death in the frame of survival of the fittest or the gamified notion of those with the most toys wins. Those concepts are absurd and devalue existence rather than empower. I am speaking of life and death in terms of that natural cycle and its important place amongst a thriving civilization.

When a child is born into this world, we see it as a great gift. We all enjoy the building of life and envision the prosperous development that is filled with hope and well-being. A child inspires joy and positive thoughts of the future. We forget that nature has two sides, a beginning and an end. We tend to embrace the beginning and forget the ending. We place less emphasis on the ending because in life, it is the part that no one wants to discover. Even people that are suffering want to live. Life is a desire, a thirst for generating experiences and seeing “what’s next.” Life is a series of moving pictures colliding and repelling, merging and diverging.

Nature is no different that a great work of cinema or a enthralling book. What is your favorite book? How does it begin and end? When you read a interesting book it captivates your senses. When you get through the half-way mark your mind is embedded in the story while simultaneously understanding that you are half-way through the story. As you progress farther in, you understand the reality that the story is reaching its conclusion. There is always the thought “I have one chapter left.” There is a feeling of accomplishment and the anxiety and mystery of what the final sentence will be.

Life is similar but we cannot see the pages of the book; they are hidden, never to be revealed. In contrast to a book, life must be lived without the knowledge of progress. We must therefore progress and understand that we are simultaneously writing and reading our own story as time moves forward.

Then comes the moment when we pass from this world. For some, it is a slow physical process where the human body naturally degrades past its functional span. For others, the process is sudden.

The unfortunate aspect of our society is that we view death through the lens of blackness or an ultimate painful finality. I believe much of that idea is instigated by some religions as device used as a measure of behavior control, in addition to terrible diseases of the past which has steered society in a negative way. Maybe the concept of a black death is still prevalent in 2023 and we superimpose that idea onto the concept of death in general. Why do we view this with such darkness? Some say when you pass you see the light. That would insinuate brightness and everything that we associate with life.

My parents were decent people; far from perfect. They were a strange mix of strictness, freedom, madness, and silence. My parents gave me the gift of life. Years later, they both gave me the ultimate gift; an upfront education in the process of death. I am not speaking of the mental process of transitioning from this world. This writing is focused more on the physical process; the process of seeing a human’s last breath and lifeless shell where the mind has drifted off into the realm of uncertainty. I presume I am speaking of how that physical process interacts with the mind of those that live on.

I have found that death can be such a beautiful element of life that many of us want to obscure. When you see someone just after they have passed, in most cases, it is the most peaceful you will ever see another human. It is a peace greater than watching a sleeping baby. I am not saying that it is a more enjoyable spectacle, but in terms of peacefulness and the idea that all in the world at that moment is still and frozen in time, a death is the most serene element in nature. Obviously, an exception would be terrible instances such as war, however, most of the aging population have a gentler experience even if the result is exactly the same.

I believe the witness of death is the greatest gift a parent can provide their children. The greatest gift is to share this experience and guide each other through the process as an important and transparent life experience rather than a subject of darkness and despair. There are other cultures around the world that truly embrace this process. Here in the States, we tend to push it aside, and like many things, we allow others to do it for us. We see this process as dirty work and there is a desire to be in its presence only when absolutely necessary. We shield our children from it which is actually shielding them from truth and the inevitable nature of our existence. Are societies that embrace this exposure healthier? Are societies that embrace death without immersing it in rituals and religious overtones, societies that are more stable and healthy?

Raising the topic of death to the surface will not inspire an ongoing fear that will transform our young into desperate animals focused on survival. The effect is the opposite. With the proper guidance these situations will solidify the idea of living the one life that we have to the fullest and reinforce the reality that every single human on this earth will come to this same conclusion until technology locates the means to avoid, or postpone it.

Unfortunately, due to demanding work conditions and time, most families are not afforded the opportunity to directly care for their loved ones during these times. Fortunately, I was able to afford the direct care of both of my parents. When I use the word “afford” I do not mean having the ability to pay for the expenses, but rather, having the significant amount of time to go through the process. Some people can afford the cost of care but cannot afford the time. With that we see that our society has made the process one of sacrifice and burden rather than responsibility and honor.

We have made death a corporate thing; a business opportunity. In many cases we ship the ill and dying away to pass away under the care of others. Family members are unable to engage in the full process. I have learned that the full process brings closure to the family at a slower rate which is comfortably distributed over a longer span of time. More important, this duration also allows the patient to more effectively resolve the presentation with the various stages of life reflectance, uncertainty, and death knowing that someone caring is close.

I have also found the expereince significantly increased my personal understanding, connection, and self-value. In a strange way, I feel a redemptive quality or human vindication that cannot be stripped away. I did something very important and worthy that solidified the link in the chain in the cycle of life within my family regardless of status, appearance, or position.

In many cultures, especially those not as developed as industrialized countries, this path and cycles of life are clearly evident. Maybe these cultures that are seen by the developed world as behind are actually far ahead, not materially, but socially. Some people have no choice but to care for their older generations. Many see it as a worthy burden which is sometimes stigmatized by the viewpoints of the developed world. In some cases, you can observe the increase in connectivity between generations and a nuanced respect between young and old.

I saw a program on TV about a impoverished favela in Brazil. There were gangsters and tough-guys lurking in the narrow streets and stair corridors. These hardened individuals who are sometimes forced into lives linked with crime to survive possess a disguised faceted persona. They walk with a swagger which melts away once they get home. They walk into the brightly painted rooms and give grandma and grandpa a hug. In an instance, they are connected to a time and moment of human understanding. They are connected to an understanding of necessity and truth of their existence. They all understand that there are not as many opportunities available and one must do what is needed in order to get by. Does this intergenerational connectivity possess a key aspect to a better society? What if this intergenerational connection in the example above was able to flourish in a society where all the opportunities of upward mobility was prevalent?

Has American society irreparably shifted away from the actual care and security of those that have entered in to the final act of their lives? Americans have grandparents too. Americans have intergenerational households that are imbued with respect and progress. My notions, not structured around statistical analysis, is constructed through personal experience and observation asks the following: has the privatization of death as a large industry in developed countries stripped away the human connectivity of life’s cyclical nature which leads to intergenerational cohesiveness? Does this intergenerational cohesion reduce societal fears brought on by the shockingly rapid increase of anonymous connectivity produced by social media and technology? Will that reduction lead to increases in positive mental health, quality of life, innovation, and productivity?

Let us assume that there has been a shift in the last 200 years from households that deal directly with dying loved ones to households that outsource it out to private companies. Since society lacks the direct interactions and experiences, has that shift produced an unconscious reaction of fear seated deep within people when they are moderately exposed? Could that be a reason why American society, and global societies of developed countries possessing opportunities for advancement, who farm off the dying in a corporate manner, exhibit increased strife?

Are societal demands placed upon families preventing the full experiences of life and death that are critical to a high functionality workforce? Could this be a facet of modern society and culture that is one root cause of the deterioration of the young’s respect for the older generation and the opposite lack of respect for the younger generations because we do not see our young people step up to help their older loved ones at a appropriate frequency?

I want to reiterate I am no expert in this and my speculative writing and questioning is simply born from personal experience. Although many would see it as a tremendous burden, I was so fortunate to care for both my mother and father in their greatest moment of need. I personally wished both of them off into the great uncertainty. I feel great about it. I feel wonderful and the experience has given me a multitude of priceless insights. I am truly blessed. I was able to introduce and share that final moment with my child and guide him to a level of understanding and acceptance that will assist him in his life when I am no longer here.

This process taught me that there are some questions that are not meant for humans to understand. Our brains are not large enough. Since we are incapable of utilizing the full capacities of our minds, I believe that our human civilizations are not able to grasp human life’s’ biggest questions: Why are we here, where do we come from, and where are we going?

What I have seen is that the intergeneration care that stimulates our understanding of the human cycle leads us in the realm of the truth that we seek. Our humanity will never lead us to the answer, we should not want to be there; it is irrelevant. Our humanness and ability to connect, young and old, gets us to the place where the only thing that matters is that we are here, together. With that we possess a common understanding. The older generation understands the world as it was and as it is, and the young understand the world as it is and as it will be. Maybe the point of that connection is where true knowledge exists or where true knowledge merges with true wisdom. I am sure our society, any society, rich and poor, could use a lot more of that.